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Creative Writing

Featured Articles

Here are just a few samples from a variety of publications showcasing my capabilities. My views are my own and do not reflect those held by any of my current or former employers.

Arizona Sushi Roll Just California Roll Covered In Sand

Check out the Delaware roll (Philadelphia roll with Joe Biden’s picture on it)

PHOENIX – A sushi restaurant inside Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport has come up with its own take on the Japanese dish: the Arizona roll, which is just a California roll covered in sand.

“Like many food creations, this happened as a fluke,” laughed Carl Miyazaki, owner of fast-casual sushi joint On a Roll. “I was making a California roll for a customer when I accidentally dropped it onto the floor. There ha

Angelina Jolie Adopts Cambodian Highway

“I think highways are the new children.”

PHNOM PENH, Cambodia – Angelina Jolie has found herself ready to adopt in Cambodia again – but this time, not for children, sources say.

“The first time I saw an empty Frutati candy bag on the side of the road, I was devastated,” lamented Jolie. “I vowed right then and there I would do whatever I could for those people so they would have access to the pristine, problem-free highways we have over here. As far as kids are concerned, I believe I have done

CDC Wondering If It’s Even Worth It to Warn Against Drinking Gasoline

ATLANTA — After watching scores of citizens hoarding gasoline in plastic grocery bags and laundry baskets at their local Shell stations, the Centers for Disease Control revealed they had a tough decision to make: whether or not they should even bother warning Americans to avoid drinking fuel.

“I don’t even know what the fuck is going on anymore,” scoffed CDC Director Rochelle P. Walensky, MD, MPH, in a private interview. “Although it is my sworn duty to promote the general health of our populat

Report: Charlie Sheen Improvised All His Lines of Cocaine on Movie Sets

LOS ANGELES — In the wake of the 10th anniversary of Charlie Sheen’s infamous “Tiger Blood” interview, more details have surfaced about his skill set regarding drugs, particularly his use of cocaine at a moment’s notice.

“I was always ready,” said Sheen. “If I didn’t have a credit card to cut the coke, I would use a hotel key card, a birthday card, or the cameraman’s AARP membership card if I had to. Although I preferred to snort through a hundred-dollar bill, I would make do with anything from

Disappointed Mom Hangs Son’s Illustrations Inside Refrigerator

“It’s not my fault the pre-K program she enrolled me in only has an architecture unit on brutalism.”

BOSTON – 5 year-old Johnny Chen reached for an afterschool snack in the refrigerator and noticed something unexpected: one of his drawings. His mother, Alice Chen, told him it was in there because she was unsatisfied with the quality of the illustration.

“My son drew our house. At least that’s what he tells me,” said Mrs. Chen. “I mean, he drew Composite columns for God’s sake. Ours are Corinth

Remake Of ‘The Devil’s Advocate’ Titled ‘Well, Actually...’

LOS ANGELES — Keanu Reeves will revive his role as Kevin Lomax in the long-anticipated remake of The Devil’s Advocate, which will hit theaters in 2022 under the new title Well, Actually..., Deadline reported Thursday morning.

“When I was approached for the remake, I immediately accepted,” said Reeves. “I loved the fresh take the producers have come up with. I’m going to model my character after Ben Shapiro: anytime I speak to someone on screen, especially a woman, I start the sentence with ‘Wel

Socially Conscious Crust Punk Only Dumpster Dives at Mom-and-Pop Stores

SAN FRANCISCO — Local crust punk David Wong firmly believes that “corporations are an evil plague on society,” which is why he only dumpster dives behind locally owned small businesses, friends of the socially conscious punk confirmed.

“I really embrace the hyperlocal freegan lifestyle. Last week, I was digging around and found a Pikachu toaster outside of Shang’s Appliances — two of the four slots work, and I’ve only been electrocuted by it like, four times,” smirked Wong, the 29-year-old fron

Help: I Was Just a Big Guy Wearing a Black Shirt Standing in Front of the Entrance and Now I’m the Bouncer

There I was, just waiting for a friend outside Dom’s Pub when a bunch of random people started shoving their IDs into my face. I didn’t even know what I was looking at before people started rolling their eyes at me. I mean, I don’t think I’ve checked my own driver’s license since I got it. That was at least six beard styles ago.

Just because I’m a 6’5” 300-pound dude who was standing by the door with his arms crossed, it’s OK to assume I’m the bouncer? Can’t a guy just wear a short sleeve Canni